


the great romance expedition

by purple prose (hernameisari)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Complete, Inspired by Real Events, M/M, Realistic, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-10-06 16:29:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17348624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hernameisari/pseuds/purple%20prose
Summary: a news website released a false article about jeonghan and seungcheol's relationship. while trying to clarify the truth and covering up potential damages, they discover something that is genuinely newsworthy.





	1. let's

**Author's Note:**

> kudos, comments and bookmarks will fuel my will to continue this story <3

Jeonghan liked minding his own business sometimes. And everyone knew that he liked minding his own business at the porch of the second floor where he and six other members lived. It was an unwritten rule that whenever he was seen on the porch with earphones and a bag of snacks that he fancied, he must not be disturbed. He Who Wakes Jeonghan From His Sleep was bound to suffer from unknown consequences.

Sunny afternoons in the winter were always the best being spent alone. The fatigue from performing nonstop for the past few weeks leading to New Year was really taking a toll on him. He stretched out his body as comfortably as possible on the outdoor bench that Mingyu had installed for them a few weeks after they had moved in. The world ascended into peaceful darkness as he covered his eyes with the back of an arm. A slow ballad was playing in his ears. Heaven.

“-han hyung, _hyung_!”

Jeonghan's eyebrows furrowed underneath his arm. He must had been hearing things. He shifted his leg from the ground and slung them over the bench handle.

“Jeonghan hyung, please wake up!”

The voice could no longer be blatantly ignored as a pair of hands tore Jeonghan’s arm away from his face, forcing him to face whatever trouble that was serious enough for one of his flatmates to intrude his space.

“What?” Jeonghan muttered with a grimace, squinting to block the gleaming sunlight out.

It was Seungkwan. He was wearing an oversized hoodie and a rather panicked look on his face. Very unusual indeed. He was normally the one who was the best at dealing with ad hoc situations, given his natural talent in receiving jokes during variety shows.

“Hyung, you have to see this!” He shoved his phone into Jeonghan’s face impatiently.

“I don’t have my glasses on,” Jeonghan reminded him tiredly, pushing the phone away to stop his eyes from hurting. “What happened?”

“Misfetch published something today, and…” Seungkwan trailed off hesitantly. Without glasses or contact lenses, it was rather hard for Jeonghan to observe his expression.

“So what? They’re a news website. They publish things everyday,” Jeonghan said, half jokingly.

“No, you don’t understand,” Seungkwan said, this time with his head lowered slightly, as if he was a kid caught cheating during an exam. “They wrote something about _you_ , hyung.”

Jeonghan blinked at him blankly. “Me?”

“Yeah, and they said that you were…” Seungkwan’s biting back on his words was starting to get on Jeonghan’s nerves, especially after being awoken from his pleasant daydream.

“Just spill.”

“Okay, okay, just- they wrote that you were dating…someone. And - I know it’s impossible, right? Like, it’s literally impossible for you two to date, but - ”

At this point Jeonghan was a hundred percent certain he was being pranked. It would be a good timing for a prank like this in New Year, when scandals and rumours were flying around like birds in the sky, stirring shit storms among fans. He had always considered himself one of the least likely members in Seventeen to be involved in scandals. He rarely left the house during holidays, for starters, because he needed to sleep whenever he was off work. He wasn’t really friends with a lot of people in his field besides from his members, and would not hang out with them unless someone he knew well was also invited. In other words, he would never be seen at undesirable places with anyone that was scandal-worthy. Jeonghan picked up his reading glasses from the side table and grabbed Seungkwan’s phone from his grip.

 

The shockingly bold title read:

 

**BREAKING: SEVENTEEN’S LEADER S. COUPS AND JEONGHAN REPORTEDLY DATING**

 

“Um. What is this?” Jeonghan asked, slightly confused. He took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes again to make sure he wasn’t imagining things or had completely lost the ability to read properly.

“I told you,” Seungkwan said promptly. “Misfetch wrote something about you. And Seungcheol hyung, I guess.”

“So, is Seokmin in this with you, too?” Jeonghan rolled his eyes dismissively and handed the phone back to Seungkwan, who looked overwhelmed with nervousness. If Jeonghan was the one to prank someone with a fake news article instead, he would have picked a way more interesting and believable title.

“No, hyung, it’s not a prank, I swear to god it isn’t,” Seungkwan stammered, pointing at the website url and logo. “See that? Misfetch official website. Why would I ever lie about something so serious?”

“Oh, so Mingyu is in this as well, huh?” Jeonghan stood up and stretched his sore arms. He remembered Mingyu making a promotion website in their pre-debut days; it was scrapped in the end, but well-made nonetheless. Certainly it would be a piece of cake for him to make a fake website. “I’m gonna go down and get some coffee. You wanna come with?”

“Hyung - ”

Before Seungkwan could say anything, Jeonghan slid the glass door to aside and entered the living room. A couple of other members were there; Jisoo, Junhui, and Mingyu. They were all staring Jeonghan down so intensely that he couldn’t just walk past without acknowledging them .

“What’s the deal with you guys?” Jeonghan snapped.

“You saw the article, didn’t you?” Jisoo asked him slyly.

"Yeah, if you mean the obviously fake article, I did," Jeonghan replied without missing a beat. Knowing Jisoo, he was the ringleader of this entire mess. “Nice prank, guys. I appreciate the hard work but I'm too smart for this.”

“No, hyung, all jokes aside, I just can't imagine you and Seungcheol hyung not telling us about this.” Mingyu stood up abruptly and Jeonghan was taken aback by how pissed off he seemed. “You always say that we shouldn’t keep secrets from each other, so why didn’t you guys say anything? Don’t you think that us finding out through a news article is the most hurtful thing ever?”

Junhui nodded silently, and proceeded to look at Jeonghan with anticipation, waiting for his response which would probably spark a heated debate.

“Guys, the prank is _over_. It’s not funny anymore. So stop this nonsense and give me some peace.”

“I told you, hyung, it’s not a prank,” Seungkwan said in desperation.

“Alright. I am leaving right now. And I’m _not_ getting drinks for any of you," Jeonghan waved his hands in disdain as he walked towards the door. "By the way, nice acting skills, Mingyu.”

When the door opened Jeonghan almost bumped head first into Seungcheol, who was just about to turn the door handle. He swiftly took a step back and was about to come up with a joke to tease his friend's bed head and untimely outfit but stopped when he saw Seungcheol's expression. He seemed almost as panicked as Seungkwan's.

This day was just getting stranger and stranger, Jeonghan thought to himself.

"What happened?" he asked in concern. If something did come up and it made Seungcheol rush up the stairs (before pausing his video game) in his pajamas, then it must be really, really serious.

"Tell everyone to gather downstairs, five minutes later," he said, taking a deep breath. "We need to talk."

***

 

The atmosphere was as tense as the backstage of their debut showcase. It was distant memory but Jeonghan still remembered how he could hear everyone's heart pounding in anxious unison as they prepared to step on the stage. Seungcheol was waiting for everyone to settle down on the ground in a circle, as they always did, before they started their emergency meeting. The others were either looking as confused as Jeonghan was with a toast in their hands, or looking back and forth nervously like Seungkwan.

_Did someone get into an accident?_ Jeonghan did a quick headcount but everyone was there; well, everyone was physically there, but some were obviously dozing off, still submerged in their afternoon nap. _Wait, are we actually going bankrupt?_

He didn't have time to collect his thoughts before Seungcheol finally broke the silence and said, "So, as you might or might not know, Misfetch published a very...article today. About us. Me and Jeonghan."

_ No. Fucking. Way. No fucking way would Seungcheol miss a game to do this._

"Please, Seungcheol, just please let me go back to sleep," Jeonghan sighed.

"Jeonghan hyung, what are you talking about?" Soonyoung exclaimed, looking absolutely appalled. "This is serious business!"

"I know I'm being pranked already, just let it go."

"This is not a prank," Seungcheol said, closing his eyes as if in pain. "I wish it was, but it's not. And now we have to deal with it."

Jeonghan looked around the circle. Everyone was visibly distressed by Seungcheol's statement and nobody dared to make a sound. He gulped, heart pounding even louder now.

"Seungkwan," he said softly. "Can I please see the article again?"

Seungkwan compliantly took out his phone from his pocket and handed it to Jeonghan after unlocking it. Jeonghan scrolled down the article and the low resolution pictures alone were enough proof that his members were, in fact, _not_ joking.

"Fuck," he said aloud.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just writing this for fun and to ease my pressure of attending uni. it's always nice to write something that is non-academic related. again, this story has nothing to do with real life events and companies. follow me on tumblr @jeonghan-only


	2. not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeonghan and seungcheol try to make things clear with everybody

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here i am again before i lose motivation to write again.  
> kudos, comments and bookmarks will fuel my will to continue this story <3

The location of the photos taken couldn’t had been more obvious. It was the ski resort they had visited a few weeks ago. Jeonghan could never imagine some company actually sending people to tail after _them_ out of everyone in Seventeen during their three-day break. Literally all he did was sleeping at the hotel and skiing when he felt like it.

It was after scrutinisation that he finally remembered how and when the reporter could have taken photos like this. Seungcheol accidentally tripped and fell hard on the snow, twisting his left ankle slightly so Jeonghan helped him up. Seungcheol was clinging on to his arm to keep his balance, all while leaning forward so Jeonghan could support his weight.

And yes, in a certain, very specific, carefully planned and executed camera angle, they looked like they were kissing. Jeonghan could definitely see it now.

“Uh, so,” Jihoon cleared his throat. “Is this what the meeting is about? Are you announcing your relationship to us?”

“No!” Jeonghan and Seungcheol said almost in unison, still avoiding each other’s eyes.

“Obviously we’re not,” Seungcheol said. His ears were burning furiously with red, bringing huge contrast to his dark hair. “That is why we’re here, to clarify things. We are _not_ dating.”

“Why didn’t you guys invite me to the resort, then?” Jisoo said.

“Shua, you told me your mom was coming to visit and you would be out of town!”

“Oh yeah, right, I forgot.”

“Why didn’t you guys invite _anyone else_ , then?” Wonwoo asked with raised eyebrows.

Jeonghan opened his mouth but couldn’t think of a proper answer in time. Right, why didn’t they think of inviting other members to tag along? To be fair, they planned the trip within a day, and Seungcheol was just happen to be in Jeonghan’s room when he researched for ski resorts. Then they just kind of went along with the plan and contacted their managers about the trip. Neither of them brought up the topic of planning a group trip.

_Why didn’t we, though?_

“We figured everyone’s going home during the break, anyway. That’s why,” Seungcheol quickly replied. Although the statement was true, the reason sounded weak when he said it in such a haste.

“Guys, come on,” Jeonghan said, laughing dryly. “You can’t seriously think that we are actually dating, right?”

The others looked at each other but no one said a thing, prompting Jeonghan to continue, “Yeah, the photos do look kind of - ambiguous. But anyone with a tad of photography skills could fake it, right, Minghao?”

“Don’t look at me,” Minghao shifted backwards, he clearly did not want anything to do with the awkward situation.

“Well, I mean,” Seokmin started, his eyes looking anywhere but Jeonghan, wearing the same guilty expression as Seungkwan. “Sometimes, just, sometimes, we think that there is something going on with you two, but we just can’t put our fingers on it, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, you know,” Seokmin looked at the people sitting near him for moral and verbal support, but nobody turned to his aid. “You two seem very, very close. Sometimes.”

“Yeah, because we’re good friends?” Seungcheol retorted.

“Okay, but what about all the hand holding? The grabbing? And saying ‘I want to be with Jeonghan until I’m 80?’ What’s up with that?”

Seungcheol said defensively, “Come on, it’s just fan service, you know our fans like seeing us like this. Other groups do it. You all do it sometimes.”

Before anyone could say anything else to escalate the argument, a phone rang. The happy-go-lucky ringtone seemed terribly out of place during a time like this. Seungcheol sighed deeply and grabbed his phone from the kitchen counter and firmly pressed the screen.

“It’s the director,” he mouthed.

 

***

 

"So, you're saying that you two are _not_ dating." The director looked back and forth at Seungcheol and Jeonghan sitting on the other end of the conference room, both looking like they were on death toll.

"We are not, sir," Jeonghan replied sternly. They had been having this conversation for the past five minutes and the director himself seemed quite hesitant to believe in his two employees for unknown reasons. Jeonghan understood that they needed to issue a public statement to clear up the misunderstanding, but this is just too embarrassing to deal with.

Seongcheol also shifted uncomfortably in his chair, avoiding eye contact with everyone as the director looked down on his laptop, probably finding any hints in the false article which might be a dead giveaway. The more you looked at it, the more the article presented itself as a reach. Filled with awkward angles and misleading captions. Nothing but materials to spark a memorable scandal and bring more ad revenue to the site.

"Alright, I'll release an issue to the press within the hour. We're getting calls and emails non-stop since the article had been released." The director finally closed the laptop and stood up, picking up his coat and giving a stern look to both Jeonghan and Seungcheol. "You'd better be more careful during your day offs. You know how those reports are; they jump at any chances for a scoop."

"We're very sorry for the trouble," Seungcheol replied, though he didn't sound genuinely sorry at all. After all, they were not the ones who created this mess. It was the idiot who wrote the article who thought he could fool the netizens. A large swamp of people were already debating whether the pictures they took at the ski resort were real or fabricated, only bringing this false news more undesirable attention, to their dismay.

On their way back to the dorm Jeonghan and Seungcheol didn't talk much. A large part of it was due to the unbearable awkwardness of being involved in a scandal with one of your closest friends. Furthermore, they wouldn't want another reporter tailing behind their backs, taking more photos as 'proof' of their 'relationship', which was painfully nonexistent.

For a second Jeonghan almost bursted into laughter. To think about it, the whole ordeal was actually pretty laughable. No way the news company would actually believe that anyone would buy into the article. It would fit perfectly as an April Fool's joke rather than a New Year scandal.

"What's so funny?" Seungcheol asked when he saw Jeonghan's brief smile, hidden behind a mask but still noticeable to Seungcheol.

"Don't you think it's funny? This entire article thing?"

"Not really."

"Come on, you have to think it's at least a little bit funny."

"Jeonghan."

Seungcheol stopped his footsteps suddenly, so Jeonghan did as well. The remaining sunlight shone directly on his face, making his expression unreadable from Jeonghan's side.

"It's not just fanservice."

"What?"

"It's not just fanservice that I said those things," Seungcheol added. His hands restlessly ruffled with the bucket hat he was wearing. The dark blue one. His favorite.

_What?_

Jeonghan could feel his heart pausing. Just a brief moment. Before escalating so quickly that he felt a bit nauseous in his stomach.

"I really do want to be with you until we're 80. As a best friend." Seungcheol said. "That's from my heart."

"Oh. Okay."

"I just don't want you to misunderstand what I said, that's all," Seungcheol shrugged. "There is already too much misunderstandings going around."

"No, I know what you mean," Jeonghan replied.

"Okay, cool."

"Okay."

The rest of the way back home was well defined by the chirping of nocturnal birds and a five-meter distance between the two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading and hope you are enjoying the story so far!


	3. believe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just fanservice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bgm: eric nam - shower
> 
> kudos, comments and bookmarks will fuel my will to continue this story <3

"Jeonghan oppa."

Jeonghan raised his head from the mountain of albums he had been signing since early morning and was met with a very worried fan on the other side of the table.

"Oppa, are you okay?" she asked, frowning slightly.

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry about me," Jeonghan managed to put out a best smile and handed the fan her signed album. He felt bad that his signature was slightly crooked from not paying attention, but she didn't seem to mind.

Jeonghan looked down again and saw the tiny slip of memo she had given him along with the album. On the top of the page, with very neat handwriting, was a question that he had been asked at least two hundred times by different fans for the past two weeks. The official statement remained on their every website and social media page, yet it didn't stop the fans from asking again and again.

_Jeonghan oppa, are you and Seungcheol oppa really dating? Don't worry, I won't tell anyone._

"No," Jeonghan said, before realising that he was deadpanning a bit too much. He quickly switched to a more cheerful tone and a wider smile and told the fan, "Nothing is more important to me than carats."

"Even Seungcheol oppa?"

"Of course."

The fan grinned at him and took the slip of paper with Jeonghan's answer scribbled beneath the question. These words come too easily for him these days it's almost scary. He no longer felt the embarrassment and awkwardness of saying these things to fans when he had just debuted. He no longer felt camera shy when there were always at least thirty lenses pointing at him at the same time. It had all become a routine, part of his job, part of his life. It was part of the performance that fans paid to enjoy. These words and actions weigh almost nothing to him now.

"Hyung," Mingyu leaned over and whispered. "Are you okay? You look a bit off."

"Just a bit tired, didn't sleep much last night," Jeonghan said offhandedly.

"Jeonghan!"

_Please, just give me a break._

Along with the gasps and squeals coming from the podium where their fans sat, Seungcheol stood up from his seat three chairs away from Jeonghan and started to walk towards him. Before Jeonghan could protest, he had settled himself in the space between Mingyu and Jeonghan, kneeling on the ground so he could place a hand on Jeonghan's forehead.

"You didn't catch a fever, did you?" he asked.

He had already taken the mic off his shirt collar and all the fans could see was him mouthing words at Jeonghan. It could mean anything to them, it was completely up to their imagination to forge a conversation between the two in their minds. Jeonghan moved backwards and gently swatted Seungcheol's hands away, noticing that almost all the camera were focusing on them right now.

"Seungcheol," he warned. "The fans are going to overthink."

Oh right, it's all just fan service, isn't it?

So then Jeonghan picked up the mic and said with a smirk, "Coups, you're making carats jealous."

He felt a tad of satisfaction when the fans screamed in excitement and Seungcheol finally removed his hand from his forehead, returning to his seat with a flustered smile. The screams, however, was still not loud enough to drown out all the messy thoughts in his mind.

This should do it, Jeonghan said to himself. This should do it just fine.

Before he knew it another fan put another album on the table, a different version. And of course, she had with her another slip of paper. It was torn from a notebook page, with a different pattern surrounding the margins. Yet the question was almost identical to the previous one.

_Jeonghan oppa, what do you feel about Seungcheol oppa? Could it be love?_

"He is my good friend," Jeonghan forced another smile. "A very, very good friend."

 

***

 

**WHAT IS THE REAL RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN S. COUPS AND JEONGHAN?**

 

Jeonghan didn't want to click the link that Seokmin sent him a few hours ago because from the title he could already see that this was bad news. Right before he went to bed he worked up his courage and opened the website. The title was as misleading and ambiguous as always, as expected from celebrity news websites. He scrolled down the page and saw the ski resort pictures from the older article, with the caption being 'company covering up a possible relationship?' on the bottom.

New pictures were also included as source materials. A couple of pictures from the fan sign taken by fansites were plastered all over the article like Christmas decorations, each with captions that suggested their company might have denied the dating rumors to protect the two's privacy. The comments section was flooded with speculations; some positive, some negative. Some just waiting for another update from their company, or better, from the subjects themselves.

_Fans have always thought that S. Coups and Jeonghan were particularly close to each other. Though there is a fine line between fanservice and reality -_

Without reading another paragraph Jeonghan closed the tab and put his phone down on the nightstand to charge. He was too tired to deal with the news. And it wasn't like he could talk to Seungcheol about it. The truth is, they hadn't really spoken to each other ever since the first article was released.

What was the real relationship between them? Well, they were really good friends, they were the eldest in their group, and they support the group together. That was the real scoop. No amount of false reporting could alter the fact.

They were both still feeling a bit uneasy with each other, Jeonghan reckoned. Even the other members avoid bringing up the matter when they were around, but Jeonghan bet they had been having discussions themselves. But it would pass sooner or later. Like the seasons. New scandals would appear and it's just a matter of time before everyone forgot about this whole issue. He rolled over and pulled up his blankets, closing his eyes and trying not to spend yet another night sleepless on his bed.

 

 


	4. that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they have a talk. sort of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bgm: acourve - winter night sea
> 
> thanks for all the nice comments and kudos i love yall <3
> 
> i am on a writing spree rn omg jeongcheol has literally torn down my writer's block

8:04am. It had been awhile since Jeonghan had woken up so early in the morning. He groaned as he reached over and checked the time on his phone. Half asleep, he inattentively brushed his hair backwards. _Coffee_. Perhaps Just the smell of coffee beans could clear up his foggy head.

He headed towards the bathroom to brush his teeth. Since it was so early and they didn't have any performance schedule planned for today, nobody was there to yell at him to be quick for a change. He splashed a handful of water onto his face and looked up. The dark circles under his eyes were surely worsening. Even the stylists were complaining how they had to use three extra layers of concealer to cover his tiredness, and advised him to fix his sleeping schedule asap. He sighed, put on his glasses, and opened the door.

Coming out from the bathroom, Jeonghan was justifiably surprised when he saw Seungcheol sitting by the kitchen counter. He was fully dressed and eating a bowl of cereal, eyes fully fixated on the flat screen television across the room. 

"Sorry, is the TV too loud?" Seungcheol asked, already reaching for the remote.

"It's alright, I woke up naturally," Jeonghan reassured him. "Why are you here?"

"What, you don't want me here?".

"You know that's not what I mean." Jeonghan suppressed his urge to roll his eyes.

"Seungkwan's hogging the TV downstairs and wouldn't come back up. His favorite volleyball team is on." Seungcheol promptly explained, swallowed the rest of the content in his bowl and went over to the sink. Jeonghan noticed that he didn't once look up from the ground as he passed him quickly, and started to scrub the bowl with utmost concentration.

"Seungcheol."

"Hm?"

"We're cool, right?'

Seungcheol finally turned and gave him a look of bewilderment. "Of course we are. Why?"

"Because," Jeonghan started, his throat was extra dry and words were becoming hard to come out. "You didn't really talk to me these few days."

It was not only these 'few days', if he had been honest. In his heart there was a growing fear accompanying by their growing distance that the two seperate dorms were also separating them. When they used to be roommates they had quite literally spent everyday together without exceptions. Now they were more like colleagues, Jeonghan thought melancholically. Well, they technically were, but things shouldn't be like this.

Things should be like when they were at the ski resort. Without a care. Without any watchful eyes.

"Well, you seem really tired from the schedule, so I don't want to disturb you." Seungcheol started to dry the bowl with a piece of cloth, still stubbornly refusing to face Jeonghan directly. "And - you didn't talk to me, too."

"I did!"

"No, you didn't."

"I literally called you last night to buy me coffee."

"Yeah, and you came to pick it up and went back to your room right after," Seungcheol argued. The bowl in his hands could not had been more sparkling clean, yet he was still vigorously drying it with the towel. Jeonghan was afraid that his grip might accidentally break the glass.

"That's because you were playing games with Wonwoo and I didn't want to interrupt!" Jeonghan tried his best to stop getting too worked up first thing in the morning. The last thing he wanted to do was to start an argument, especially with Seungcheol. They were in this mess together, after all.

"Good morning?"

Chan dragged his slippers across the floor as he made his way through the hallway, looking half-asleep. He glanced up and saw Seungcheol and Jeonghan, both in their pajamas, with stances that looked like they were about to duel. And one glance was all it took for him to understand the situation, "Um. I'll leave you guys alone. Sorry for intruding."

He quickly poured a glass of water for himself and retreated back into the flat. And Jeonghan was just about ready to jump off the building.

"I'll talk to you later," he told Seungcheol, and slammed his door shut.

 

***

 

Sometimes Jeonghan wondered himself what those ambiguous gestures meant. Sometimes he would even ponder hours about it at night. Of course he wasn't about to discuss it without anyone, nor he would ever even tell anyone about it. He buried these thoughts in his mind, so deep in hopes that one day even he would forget about all the conflicts he had regarding Choi Seungcheol.

He had seen the videos and pictures fans took of them. He could definitely see why people spend hours trying to prove that there was something more than friendship between them. He remembered bits of pieces of Seungcheol looking at him on stage over layers of Photoshop and filters, of what seemed like romantic affection in his eyes. Had he ever looked at him that way backstage? Or when the cameras was off? He could not recall for some reason. Maybe he had grown so adapt of every second of his life being documented on some kind of recording device that he stopped keeping track of important things around him. All the spotlights and fireworks had blinded him somehow. Eventually, he would stop noticing all together.

And this thought alone scared him.

It had at least months since he got to take a walk in the Hangang Park alone. With a mask and cap he was confident that nobody would recognize him. Even if they did, his aloof demeanor should keep them from approaching him. Seungcheol was already gone when he went out of his room again; he only dared to when he heard the TV being switched off. Junhui had asked him when he was coming back, and if he was coming back for lunch. Jeonghan forgot what he replied as he muttered beneath the shield formed by his scarf.

"I figured you would be here."

Jeonghan didn't even bother to turn around to see who was talking to him. Nor did he bother to ask Seungcheol how he knew he was there. This had always been his favorite spot to rest when talking walks ever since his trainee days. Especially at dusk, because the sun always set right between the bridge and he thought it was beautiful. He felt Seungcheol sitting on the grass beside him, hands placing on either side of his waist.

"What are you doing here?" Jeonghan asked him.

"You said we would talk later, didn't you?" Seungcheol said casually, sipping coffee from his thermos. "So here I am."

It wasn't like they had a fight. It would have probably turn into a fight if Jeonghan didn't put a stop to it before Seungcheol raised his voice even more. It wouldn't be the first time they had argued and it wouldn't be the last time, either. At this point they were used to fast make-ups to avoid the awkwardness when they had to have meals together with other members. Since a long time ago they knew that as the two eldest members they had the responsibility to keep the solidarity among the group, and resolve disagreements under the table. Jeonghan shrugged and looked back at the never changing scenery facing the river.

"So talk," he told Seungcheol.

"I'm sorry, for just now."

Jeonghan felt a pang of guilt in his heart. And it kind of hurt. He was the one who had made the situation worse instead of admitting that he had, in fact, been avoiding Seungcheol as much as possible for the past week.

"I'm sorry, too," he said, almost inaudibly.

Seungcheol didn't response and took another sip from the thermos, but Jeonghan knew that he never held grudges.

"Hey, aren't you wearing my jacket?" Seungcheol suddenly said, pointing at the familiar design on Jeonghan.

"Dunno, it ended up in my room so i took it."

"Damn. Maybe we should start a name tag system from now on," Seungcheol sighed. "Mingyu was just complaining about everyone dumping their clothes in one pile and how insanitary it is."

Upon hearing Seungcheol's words, Jeonghan laughed. He felt like he hadn't laughed genuinely for a long time without someone telling him to smile and pose at a camera lense or phone. It was relieving in a way.

"You're not wearing enough clothes, Jeonghan, it's three degrees right now."

"I'm fine."

"I don't want you to get sick again," Seungcheol said, this time looking at Jeonghan.

_Could that be the same expression that fans captured in their cameras?_

He couldn't say for sure. He hadn't looked at those pictures in a long time.

"You know, before our Japan tour" he continued. "I swear, Japanese fans love you to death."

"Huh, is that so?" Jeonghan said bitterly.

"Yeah, I know our merchandise stats."

"Do you actually keep track of merch stats?"

"Of course I do," Seungcheol said in a matter-of-fact tone. "I'm the leader."

And he was a good one. Jeonghan had to give that to him, too. He was as caring as he had to be strict at times. He loved everyone like family, and everyone did him. All the concerns he showed were for the best of not only the person in question, but also the whole group. Perhaps in other photos not involving Jeonghan, Seungcheol's eyes would also be filled with the same doting affection and towards another member.

He was just not in the mood of searching up those pictures right now.

"Give me your thermos."

"Wow. Not even a 'please'?"

"You know how I am."

Seungcheol chuckled but handed Jeonghan his thermos. Jeonghan downed the rest of the coffee and sighed.

Nope, not even coffee could help him figure this out this time around.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooo....what do you guys think of the story so far? any ideas? any suggestions? i would love to hear them <3


	5. first

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> seongcheol thinks he has a problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im spitting out chapter after chapter because i am so scared i'll abandon this story like i did with my other chaptered fics.
> 
> bgm: kevin oh - how do I

To Seungcheol, his first impression of Jeonghan could be described with one word; 'timid'. Of course, that was soon proven to be untrue after he had warmed up with everyone else.

And the second thing that he noticed with Jeonghan as he walked through the door of the practice room, shyly introducing himself - 

Was that he was beautiful.

Under the messy haircut and lowered head was always a timid smile, as if he was trying to shield his face from the rest of the world.

Welp, if that was his original intent, then becoming an idol must had not been the first choice in career.

He still remembered when Jeonghan was asked to grow out his hair - it was all for marketing purposes, and it had certainly worked. All eyes were automatically drawn to him whenever they were in public or in shows. Nevertheless, it only made him feel even more self-conscious.

"Seungcheol, I look weird, don't I?" Jeonghan once said, tugging at his hair restlessly. He was still getting used to tying it up everyday and drying his hair properly.

"No, you look - great." Seungcheol gently untangled a string of hair for him from his back where he couldn't see.

That was an understatement. He was untainted by the two years of harsh training and sleep deprivation. And despite everything, he was still beautiful. Even more so than before, perhaps.

He could see Jeonghan's grin from the mirror's reflection. Just for a brief moment.

"Don't just say that to console me," he scoffed.

"No, for real, I wish I could look this great with long hair."

"Oh, really? I'll ask the director if we could switch places next time."

Upon seeing Seungcheol's flustered expression, Jeonghan laughed.

Seungcheol couldn't believe he had never realised just how fast his heart raced whenever his friend laughed like that.

That couldn't be anywhere near normal.

***

"Hyung, you really gotta concentrate."

Seungcheol peered from the recording studio and saw Jihoon rubbing his temple from the workstation. They had spent over thirty minutes on just a single line. He knew that it wasn't Jihoon's fault that his recordings had to be scrapped; he was the producer, after all. The quality of their music fell on his shoulders. It was his twenty-first try and they were both worn out completely.

"Sorry," Seungcheol said, pulling off his hat in frustration. His throat was starting to hurt. "I'm just - not really feeling it right now."

"It's okay," Jihoon replied through the intercom. "I'll call in Hansol to do the recording so you can rest for a bit."

"Thanks."

Hansol arrived at the studio at approximately 5pm, humming along to a tune playing on his phone aloud. His eyes widened when he saw Seungcheol sitting beside Jihoon, watching him edit the audio clips on his Mac.

"Seungcheol hyung, why are you still here?" he asked curiously.

"Ah, I - my throat is not doing really well right now," Seungcheol explained sheepishly.

Hansol didn't question him further. He rarely questioned anything at all, to be fair. Seungcheol handed him the studio headphones and threw himself on the couch behind Jihoon, watching Hansol nail his lines within five minutes and walking out of the recording room in triumph. Shame had suddenly washed over him like a wave, seeing how all the members were performing in top condition to prepare for their upcoming comeback.

Jihoon was right, Seungcheol needed to concentrate on nothing else than their new tracks. They had only days to spare and no time to rest. It was quite literally the worst time to be worrying about trivial matters. He glanced at the wall, where a several posters were hung.

Most of them were heavily graffitied. Googly eyes were being drawn on different members as a joke and various comments were added at empty spaces. Seungcheol's stare moved slightly upwards and were met with the eyes of Jeonghan. His smile was frozen on paper, torso leaning slightly into Seungcheol's arms around him.

Ever since their debut he had noticed that they were always placed together. No matter on official goods or social media posts. He knew that fans liked seeing them together, and the company surely made good use of this. He forced his sight to move on from the pictures from years ago, and caught Jihoon staring at him from his chair.

"Hyung, are you ready?"

Jihoon's words snapped him out of his temporal trance. He set his water bottle aside on the coffee table and stood up. Time to work.

"Yup."

***

 

Seungcheol also remembered the day Jeonghan finally cut his hair with the permission given by the company executives. He knew that deep down Jeonghan had been looking forward to this day since the minute he was told to grow his hair out. They visited the stylist that day together, and Seungcheol watched Jeonghan messing with his shorter dark hair in front of the mirror, while he waited for his newly dyed hair to settle.

"Seungcheol."

'Hm?"

"Do you think I look weird?"  


Seungcheol thought to himself that Jeonghan should have learned by now not to ask a clearly biased person what he thought of his appearance. Seungcheol had always made it no secret that he regarded Jeonghan as the best looking among everyone. Yet Jeonghan seemed to brush it off simply every time he heard the statement, off camera and on camera.

"You wouldn't look weird in almost any hairstyle, Jeonghan," he replied with a grin.

" _Almost_?"

"Well, just maybe not a buzz cut is all I'm saying."

Jeonghan's playful punch landed on his shoulder this time and he pretended that it was the most painful thing he had ever experienced. He then turned his chair around to face the reflection in the dressing mirror once more. Insecurity was written all over his face; Seungcheol had seen that face too often that he knew immediately what to say.

"Hey," he said. "The fans will love you no matter what your hair looks like. Have some faith in yourself."

It was easy for him to say. He knew that more than anyone. Jeonghan was among the latest trainees with the least experience and he was walking on eggshells all the time to avoid making mistakes. They all knew that one step taken in the wrong direction could be as good as the death of them. And Jeonghan's negativity sometimes manifest into sobs muffled in the covers.

Seungcheol simply wished he could wipe away the insecurity. Just like how one could wipe away tears.

And, maybe, just maybe, he might had wished that Jeonghan could one day realise just how beautiful he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are, as always, very appreciated and fuels my motivation to keep writing...tHROW SOME LOVE AT ME PLEASE
> 
> also not being a crazy shipper or whatever, but seungcheol's line in adore u 'you're so pretty it's selfish but your personality is so humble' is like a perfect description of jeonghan and i have thought so since forever. like what the fuck.


	6. love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uncertainty lingers. jeonghan tries to suppress a memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bgm: taeli (block b) - it was love
> 
> i think i might have broken my own record by writing 6k words in three days. ive never been so productive before and here i am at 12:26am with a cup of coffee typing YET ANOTHER CHAPTER. SOMEONE SAVE ME.

Jeonghan was irritatedly picking at the diced carrots in his bowl. He had forgotten to ask the waiter that he didn't want any carrots in his broth. The others seemed to have overlooked his annoyance, chatting in even higher spirits after they had downed a few alcoholic drinks.

"Jeonghan, you can have my drink," Jisoo jabbed at his shoulder and said. His face was gleaming in crimson red from the rush of root beer. "I've drank enough."

"I've had enough, too. Give it to Myungho, he likes this brand."

"He can't drink too much. He's catching a flight back to China tonight. So there you go," Jisoo reminded him. Before Jeonghan could stop him, his friend poured the remaining beer into his glass and resumed talking to Seokmin sitting next to him like nothing had happened.

The only rational reaction was to turn to Seungcheol, of course.

"Coups, finish this for me," Jeonghan said and attempted to continue the beer relay, but Seungcheol pushed his glass away before Jeonghan could reach him.

"No way, I'm not drinking your third-hand beer."

"Come on, it's just a bit of beer."

"Then why don't  _you_  finish it instead?"

"Alright, that's it, I'm calling Misfetch to tell them you mistreated me and broke my heart."

Those who heard Jeonghan laughed wholeheartedly while Seungcheol struggled to argue back, eventually giving up and downining the remaining beer. You just couldn't beat Jeonghan under any circumstances when it came to nonsensical debates. It would just be an utter waste of time and energy.

Jeonghan was actually kind of glad that this whole ordeal had turned into another inside joke. Even Mingyu joined in the fest after weeks of suspicion of the two eldest members' relationship, finally giving in and admitting he was wrong. A few days ago Soonyoung snuck up on Jeonghan and took a selfie while making kissy faces. He then applied the ugliest heart-eyes filter and captioned the picture ' **BREAKING NEWS: PROOF THAT SEVENTEEN JEONGHAN IS CHEATING ON LEADER S. COUPS WITH FELLOW MEMBER HOSHI** ', causing Seokmin to laugh so hard he almost fell off a flight of stairs. By making light of the Misfetch mistake, it seemed to have alleviated the tensed atmosphere that had formed within the group.

The net speculators seemed to have moved on, as Jeonghan had predicted. Except for their fans, of course, who made use of every single moment to produce more dating rumour jokes. They were all light hearted jokes, so Jeonghan didn't mind them very much.

Soonyoung had also posted the picture on their social media accounts. The comments were flooded with things like - 

_\- Oh SHIT! @seungcheol your man's got a side guy :0_

_\- AHAHHA I LOVE THIS. But tbh of course it's impossible that seungcheol and jeonghan are actually dating. fans are reaching as always._

_\- I WILL BELIEVE IN JEONGCHEOL UNTIL THE DAY I DIE_

_\- guys, it's really disrespectful to keep making memes about the rumors. they already said they were NOT dating. jesus christ._

_\- JEONGHAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY BF?????_

_\- it's actually a pretty good marketing plan to fake a couple within the group. just look at how much attention they received._

_\- LMAOOOOO IS SOONYOUNG TEASING COUPS ABOUT THE WAY HE LOOKS AT JH DURING CONCERTS AGAIN? I LIVE FOR THAT SHIT._

Most of the comments Jeonghan read were screenshotted by various members and shoved into their group chat. Of course Jeonghan was relieved that everyone was having a good laugh instead of asking if he was okay 24/7, but whenever jokes like this were made he would glance around the table and his eyes would almost always land on Seungcheol in the end.

And Seungcheol wouldn't be laughing.

To be fair, he would always laugh out loud, with exaggerated gestures and breathless chuckles. But Jeonghan knew that in his eyes there weren't a hint of laughter. There was something a lot more complicated. Some kind of distraction, perhaps.

But for some reason he didn't dare to ask what it was.

Or maybe it was because he already knew the answer since a long, long time ago.

Through the thin sliding door that shielded the thirteen people from the merciless entertainment industry, Jeonghan could see nothing but a million camera lenses trying to tear apart the secret and serve it to the rest of the world on a silver platter.

"Jeonghan hyung, I'm glad you're being yourself again." After the laughter died down, Soonyoung suddenly added out of nowhere.

"Yeah, everyone was worried about you ever since the Misfetch thing," Seokmin agreed, grinning at Jeonghan. "But you seem to be fine now."

Everyone was talking as if he had been recovering from a long term disease or something. Jeonghan looked around, trying to show gratification to their nice words with a smile in return. He looked across the table the table and noticed that Seungcheol was no longer focusing on him. He had engaged in a heated conversation with Wonwoo, probably about that something-watch game that they were obsessed with. Jeonghan never understood video games.

He then spent the rest of the night listening half-heartedly to Seokmin and Soonyoung's jokes and left his noodles untouched.

 

***

They returned to their dorms at approximately one in the morning. After exchanging goodnights muffled by yawns they retreated to their separate rooms for a long waited rest. It was the first time since they had moved here had Jeonghan wished that he still shared his room with three other people.

Whenever he was left alone, he would start to overthink. It was just a habit he could never change. To the point that he would stress himself out relentlessly and lay on the bed with his eyes wide open and allow his brain to work overtime. Without the snores coming from the upper bunk beds and loud sleep talking from other rooms, he lacked any distractions that could lead him away from thinking of what happened that one night.

_The ski resort. He should have never insisted on going to that god forsaken place. It was where the scandal surfaced, where his complex feelings got even more messed up because Seungcheol had -_

That night might have either ruined or made his life. Or both. He wasn't quite sure yet at the moment. And perhaps he would never figure it out for the rest of his time alive.

Jeonghan groaned and wrapped his head in the middle of his pillow, attempting to drown out all the memories that were beginning to surface after two months of denial.

He felt like he couldn't go on one more single day, pretending that nothing had happened and lie to everyone's faces whenever the question was brought up. He couldn't bare to see Seungcheol keeping a straight face while telling everyone nothing happened during their trip. Seungcheol was so good at acting that Jeonghan himself had almost forgotten about it. He hated how easily Seungcheol could cover up the truth with his confidence.

He found himself trying to remember the sensation. Then he might maintain his sanity and get through the rest of the night with at least five hours of sleep.

And it was the distinct sensation of Seungcheol's lips against his own. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again kudos and comments and bookmarks are very appreciated <3 there should be only 3 chapters left after this one. any speculations at all?


	7. never

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is what really went down at the ski resort that didn't make it into the article

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> brace yourself for the longest chapter (almost 4k!!) in this fic
> 
> bgm for this chapter: jung key ft. whee in (mamamoo) - anymore

20th December

“You can feed, like, a family of six for a whole week with all these food,” Jeonghan commented, watching Seungcheol fill the back of the car with thermos containers filled with sandwiches and various snacks he had bought on the way.

“It’s better to be safe than sorry,” Seungcheol replied him offhandedly.

“We are literally only going there for two days. I’m pretty sure they have restaurants there.”

“Yeah, and you’ll thank me when we are stuck with eating shit food from the overpriced restaurants.” Closing the trunk of the car, Seungcheol got in the driver’s seat and gestured Jeonghan to sit down, leaving no room for further argument about the amount of food that he prepared for the skiing trip. “Plus, manager hyung bought us a bunch of Cheetos.”

Jeonghan gave in and got in the car and threw his bag to the back to make way for his legs. He stretched his arms and yawned; it was five degrees below zero and six in the morning, too damn cold and early to do any sort of logical thinking.

“Are you sure your coat is warm enough?” Seungcheol asked, strapping his seat belt on and backing the car out of the driveway.

“It should be, I brought the old one that I used back in Akita,” Jeonghan replied.

Seungcheol looked at the rear view mirror and gave their managers a thumbs up before speeding up on the road, with the managers following close behind them on their way to the ski resort in the outskirts of Pyeongchang. It would take them around three hours to arrive, and Seungcheol kindly offered to drive on their first journey so Jeonghan could sleep.

“I wish we could go skiing for the whole week,” Seungcheol sighed. They already had to negotiate with the company executive for a whole day to make the trip happen. Originally they could had gone for an extra day but a schedule came up out of the blue. After days of planning they agreed on having the trip after returning from Hong Kong.

"Are you sure you can handle skiing for a whole minute? Because last time, if I recall correctly, you couldn't even stand up straight on the snow board."

"Shut up, I've improved a lot. Just wait and see."

"Uh-huh, I'm really looking forward to it."

"Jeonghan, please, just close your eyes and go to sleep."

***

The time read 9:12 am when Jeonghan opened his eyes. A ray of sunshine shone through the car windows, making him squint while struggling to sit up. His arm was a bit sore from being rested on for the past three hours. He rubbed his eyes and looked at the driver’s seat, expecting to find Seungcheol beside him.

But he wasn’t there.

A pang of irrational fear hit Jeonghan at the moment of realisation that Seungcheol had disappeared for some reason.  He rummaged through his backpack for his phone, wanting to make sure that he was alright.

Before he was able to make the call, he heard an abrupt knock on the car window.

“Jeonghan?” A voice came through from the small gap of the car window, left opened for fresh air. “Open the door, my hands are full.”

It was, of course, none other than Seungcheol. Jeonghan reached over and unlocked the door on the driver’s side and Seungcheol slipped into his seat, carefully holding two cups of coffee in his hands. Seungcheol almost hardly ever drank a sip of caffeine, unless he was extra tired in the morning.

“Hey,” Seungcheol greeted him, handing a cup to Jeonghan.

“Thanks,” Jeonghan said, warming up his hands with the hot beverage. “Are we there yet?”

“Yeah, we’re at the car park up front,” Seungcheol told him. “I didn’t want to wake you up, so I walked over to the reception with manager hyung and paid for our equipment.”

“Are there a lot of people there?”

“Believe it or not, not really.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Seungcheol said. "I thought there would be a ton of visitors since it's almost holiday. We're in luck today ."

"That's good, then," Jeonghan replied. “Also, I guess I really should be thankful that you brought all those food, ‘cause this coffee tastes like shit.”

“Told you,” Seungcheol replied, grinning at Jeonghan, who grimaced at the taste of the beverage. The only good it did was that it was boiling hot.

They left the car with their bags. Jeonghan immediately sneezed twice once he was exposed to the ice cold air.

“Damn,” Jeonghan said, his breath forming into white mist. “I don’t remember it being this cold in Pyeongchang last year.”

"I told you you should have brought more clothes."

Though blaming Jeonghan for his own dismay, Seungcheol voluntarily took off his own scarf and wrapped it around Jeonghan neck, tying it into a loose knot that hangs off his chest.

“There you go,” he said. “Better?”

Jeonghan could only nod while Seungcheol beamed at him.  The sunlight inching up from the distant horizon shone upon the crown of his head, leaving a ring of light that makes him seem like something sacred and holy.

“Thanks,” he finally said, tugging at Seungcheol's scarf. “But in all honesty, white doesn’t really go well with purple.”

“Okay, give it back then.”

“No way, this is mine now.”

Seongcheol scowled at him and Jeonghan ducked just in time to avoid a huge pile of snow being thrown in his face, bending down to scoop up a handful of newly fallen snow so he could get his revenge.

_ Click! _

Jeonghan could swear that he heard a shutter go off somewhere near them. He instinctively turned to search for camera lenses, carried by a suspicious-looking person wearing a cap with sunglasses and face mask.

Strange enough, they were the only visible people in the parking lot. Maybe he had heard the clicking sound so often that it had already ingrained itself into his brain and set off when he was most vulnerable.

"What are you looking at?" Seungcheol asked, also turning around and alerted.

"No - it's nothing," Jeonghan muttered. "We should go now, isn't manager hyung waiting for us?"

Seungcheol seemed unconvinced, but led the way without asking further questions. Jeonghan tried his best to relax and contain his excitement when he saw the artificial snow mixed with real now piling up on the road leading to the reception.

When they got to the bottom of the ski hills, carrying heavy equipments in their hands, Jeonghan could see that Seungcheol was right; there were only a few visitors in sight. The lift was practically empty when they had installed the sledges beneath their snow boots. Their managers wanted to rest after the long drive so they stayed behind in the hotel cafe instead, leaving the two to enjoyed their well-deserved holiday.

"Seungcheol, are you sure you don't need to a coach?" Jeonghan asked again when they were on the way to the top of the hill.

"Nah, I'm counting on you to teach me," Seungcheol laughed.

"I'm here to ski, not to babysit."

"Ouch, and I thought I was your friend."

"Okay then. I'm charging sixty-thousand won per hour. Please pay up front," Jeonghan said without missing a beat, holding out his hand.

"What makes you qualified to charge more than a professional coach?"

Nonetheless Jeonghan had agreed to teach Seungcheol all the basics he had forgotten after their skiing trip in Akita. Seungcheol was also naturally good at sports so it didn't take him long to familiarise once again with controlling speed and directions.

The ski resort looked much bigger than it actually was from up the hill. They were among the first customers to arrive so the snow was perfectly smooth and undented. Jeonghan breathed in the fresh air before skiing down, followed by Seungcheol yelling behind him about how cold it was without a mask on his face. Any attempts of Seungcheol trying to surpass him had failed as Jeonghan playfully blocked his path whenever he tried to make a turn.

When they had finally reached the ground again for the fifth or sixth time, Jeonghan made an effortless turn and paused his sledges. Seungcheol, on the other hand, wasn't so lucky. One of his sledges slightly fluctuate before coming to a halt. Jeonghan could hear Seungcheol curse before he tripped forward and fall almost face first into the snow.

"Wow, nice," Jeonghan laughed uncontrollably. "I can see that you did improve a lot."

"Shut up and help me up!"

Still laughing at Seungcheol's accident, he walked forward and reached out to grab his friend's arm to pull him up. Seungcheol grimaced in pain as he struggled to stand up on the slippery snow, clinging onto Jeonghan for support.

"Hey, you okay?"

"I think - I twisted my ankle," Seungcheol said. He tried to unattached the sledge from his left foot but lost balance. Jeonghan caught him just in time - Seungcheol was now standing so close to him that he could feel his breath against his neck.

The sudden warmth in the midst of winter was almost a bit too much for him to bear.

"There's a bench over there," he said, pointing at the rest station not far from where they were standing. "Here, I'll hold your ski poles."

_ Click! _

Seungcheol was limping slightly so Jeonghan tucked an arm around his shoulder as they walked over to the station. Once Seungcheol had sat down, Jeonghan took out his phone to call their managers to inform them of Seungcheol's injury.

He couldn't help but feel a bit guilty. He had noticed that Seungcheol's ankles weren't exactly at their best condition after their performance in Hong Kong. Even so, he kind of dragged him along to the ski resort without actually consulting much of Seungcheol's opinion. The managers told him to stay where they were and that they were bringing kinesio tapes over. Jeonghan sat beside Seungcheol, watching him massage his own ankle carefully, teeth gritting in pain.

"Does it hurt?"

"Just a bit. I'll be fine," Seungcheol said with a brief smile. The same smile he put on whenever he was enduring pain but didn't want anyone else to notice. "You should keep skiing, before it gets dark."

"I'll stay here with you."

"You sure? We probably won't be able to come here for at least another six months."

"Of course I'm sure."

_ Because this is exactly what you would have done for me. _

Jeonghan leaned backwards on the bench and watched other visitors boarding the lift in front of them. He had unattached his sledges too; without Seungcheol accompanying him he wasn’t really in the mood to keep skiing, either.

"Hey, you want anything to drink?"

"Just water will be fine."

Jeonghan walked into the rest station and found the cooler. He took two paper cups and filled them with lukewarm water, carefully holding them in his thick, inconvenient gloves.

When he stepped outside again, he saw Seungcheol's head resting against the back of the bench. He had his eyes closed, allowing the blinding sunshine to fully illuminate his face in contrast of the crystal white snow. Jeonghan paused for a second before realizing that he had stared for too long, and sat down before Seungcheol caught his eyes.

"Here," he said.

Seungcheol finished the water in one gulp. "Thanks."

"No problem."

They remained in blissful silence for a moment before Jeonghan opened his mouth, trying not to sound too judgemental, "Why didn't you tell me that your ankles were still hurting?"

"What?"

"I know you twisted them back in MAMA. We could have cancelled the trip if you aren't feeling well."

"Are you kidding? Of course I won't let you cancel our trip," Seungcheol said as if Jeonghan was out of his mind. "Don't worry, my ankles are fine, for real."

"But what if it gets worse after this trip?" Jeonghan couldn't help but feel a bit angry at Seungcheol.

At his selflessness, to be specific. 

"Because," Seungcheol said, as if the answer could not had been clearer. "You looked like you were the happiest person alive when they said we could come. I would never ruin that for you. Not in a million years."

Jeonghan could feel his pulse racing against the fabric of his own gloves, blood rushing through his veins so fast that he thought he was going to have a heart attack right there and then. He turned around and saw Seungcheol grinning at him, without a hint of pain he was experiencing from his injured ankle.

He wished that Seungcheol would show a little less kindness to him. Then maybe it wouldn't hurt so much to know that he could never be someone more than a friend, or a leader, or a brother.

It was another normal day in a ski resort, Jeonghan thought. Except with one new revelation; Yoon Jeonghan loved Choi Seungcheol. In a certain way that he shouldn't had.

***

The television screen flashed a shade of blue on their foreheads. An hour had passed since they had called it quits because of Seungcheol's ankles and returned to their shared room, and semi-focused on the romance drama series while eating instant ramen. It was a rerun, a series marathon as a Christmas special.

“My mom loved this show,” Jeonghan said quietly, shifting to lean back onto the cushions.

“This is a Japanese drama, isn't it?.” Seungcheol asked.

“Yeah. From a long time ago.”

"Is it any good?"

"Dunno. These romance dramas are all the same, anyway."

Jeonghan yawned, covering his mouth before grabbing another handful of chips. Seungcheol could tell he wanted to rest, but any suggestion of going to bed was responded by an unwilling glare and a half-hearted snap asking Seungcheol to leave him alone. Sometime between the toothpaste commercial break and the final resolution between the protagonists, Jeonghan had finally drifted off to sleep when Seungcheol wasn’t looking, slowly falling sideways onto his shoulder.

Seungcheol gazed down at his friend whose head rested against the crook of his neck. Volumes of ash blonde hair was laid out in front of him. Without thinking Seungcheol had hesitantly reached out a hand and ran his fingers through his hair, just like the way he did back then when Jeonghan had longer hair. It was soft, and smelt of the shampoo provided by the hotel. He could feel Jeonghan's breath against his shirt.

_ This is not right but it feels right. _

For a moment, Seungcheol felt hot under his collar. Not sure why his temperature had risen, he brushed a curl behind Jeonghan's ear. For a moment Jeonghan stirred, mumbling something about not having enough water.

This scene was almost intended to be romantic. It was almost like something pulled right out of a young adult romance novel. It was not right.

Seungcheol stayed like that for two episodes of One Litre no Namida. As he watched Seungcheol sleeping soundly, he began noticing the way Jeonghan cringed and hid his face in the hollow of his shoulders. Having to have been his roommate for nearly four years, he knew Jeonghan was never a restless sleeper.

Jeonghan's shirt had bunched up and a small sliver of skin showed just above his waist. Seungcheol figured Jeonghan might feel cold with his shirt scrunched. Leaning over Jeonghan, he tugged the soft orange fabric down past Jeonghan's hips. For a moment Seungcheol's fingers brushed skin, and he jerked his hand back. The room temperature rose once again.

A sudden thought struck Seungcheol and it made his chest tighten.

What would he become of if Jeonghan wasn’t here?

He tried to imagine a world where Jeonghan had never entered the company with a timid smile on his face, introducing himself and sitting at the corner until someone initiated a conversation. He imagined that the hand that had always tightened around his grip to disappearing into the void, leaving him with nothing to hold on to. Every member in Seventeen was irreplaceable, that was a fact. But the idea of Jeonghan not being around could easily be one of his worst nightmares. Although he was right next to Jeonghan in the comfort of the hotel heater, Seungcheol felt lost, almost as if he was drowning.

And it wasn’t the first time he had pondered upon this question, either. If he had never knew Jeonghan, the immense fear of losing someone would probably forever remain a mystery to him.

He felt his chest tighten in pain again.

***

Jeonghan lifted his head up from his shoulder. He rubbed his eyes and tried to focus on the television in front of him.

“How long have I been sleeping?” he asked, his voice tired, completely unaware of the fact that he had just laid his head on his best friend’s aching shoulder for the past hour and a half.

"Not long,” Seungcheol said quietly.

Jeonghan didn't know why, but he had a strange urge to reach out and touch Seungcheol's cheek, as if to make sure he was real, and was right there in front of him. With him.

Jeonghan stood up from the couch.

“Where you going?” Seungcheol asked.

“Bathroom.”

“Oh.”

He walked away while Seungcheol reached over to grab the remote control and turned the television off. The atmosphere was heavy, as if trying to wear him down.

“Seungcheol, it’s past midnight already.” Jeonghan turned off the hallway lights on the way back to the couch. "Aren't you tired?"

"No," Seungcheol said. "Are you?"

"Nope. I'm wide awake now," Jeonghan said, stretching his arms out. "I want to go to the rooftop porch."

"Are you crazy? It's freezing cold out there."

"A bottle of soju should be enough to warm us up."

Though puzzled by Jeonghan's sudden suggestion, Seungcheol complied. Jeonghan took out a bottle that he had brought in his bag and handed it to Seungcheol. "Didn't you always say that you wanted to have a drinking broadcast with me?”

"Wait, you want to do a live broadcast _now_?"

Jeonghan chuckled. "Of course not. But I do want to drink with you."

The took the lift to the fifteenth floor, and Jeonghan was glad to discover that the rooftop was still unlocked and there was nobody there. No couples making out on the love-chair facing the ski hills, nor families with children running around screaming on the top of their lungs. He popped the soju bottle opened and took a sip. It burned his throat, but he felt his torso slowly warming up. Seungcheol followed suit.

They leaned against the glass fences along the rooftop porch, silently sharing the bottle of soju. City lights could be seen dragging on for miles ahead, secluded outside the border of the pitch dark ski resort.

Jeonghan had always lived in the city. Though surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people at all times, it was easier than ever to feel more isolated in the midst of the urban buzz. For some reason, though, whenever he was with Seungcheol - no matter where in the world they were - as long as he was there with him, Jeonghan could never feel a tad of loneliness that he was so used to feeling.

And while peering down at the scenery from the rooftop, for a moment Jeonghan really believed that they were the only two people left in the world.

***

Through their linked shoulders Seungcheol could feel his own heartbeat slowly lining up with Jeonghan standing next to him. He didn't say anything the whole time, seemingly lost in his thoughts while looking at the empty field below them. Even in the dim light from the emergency exit sign Seungcheol could make out every single detail on Jeonghan's face. His cheekbones, his tired eyes, every strand of his hair dyed into a lighter shade.

Their fingers brushed against each other. Bare and unafraid without the shield of leather. When Seungcheol reached over and grabbed Jeonghan's hand, he didn't pull away.

Seungcheol heaved a sigh. He did not loosen the hands that held Jeonghan's hand, as if he was afraid that once he loosened his hands, Jeonghan would disappear right before his eyes.

Suddenly Seungcheol felt an uncontrollable impulse to lean over and kiss him.

And so he did.

It was just a kiss. Nothing more and nothing less. It wasn't intended to be sexual to say the least. The kiss lasted for about half a second before Seungcheol realized what he had done and pulled away.

There was never a rush of heartbeat. There wasn't any plot twists like you would see in a shojo manga. It happened too naturally that neither of them knew to react in the heat of the moment.

"Jeonghan - " Seungcheol started. He saw Jeonghan's face visibly turning paler.

"Why?" he breathed out.

Seungcheol didn't answer. He couldn't. The truth was that he didn't know exactly the reason why he did that, either.

"Is this supposed to be some kind of a joke?" Jeonghan pressed on, yet his voice remained as calm as a lake at midnight. "Am I supposed to be laughing right now?"

"No, it's not," Seungcheol said. He was in a state of confusion as much as Jeonghan. He wanted to justify his action but couldn't find the right words, nor the right time to explain to Jeonghan that he had found him to be the most beautiful person alive ever since he first laid eyes on him.

"Jeonghan, I love you," was what came out of his mouth at last in a panic. Raw, unfiltered, yet still insufficient to convey anything that he really wanted to say. Without the rehearsed conversations and pressure coming from screaming audiences, he was experiencing the worst stage fright even in front of the person he was most familiar with.

"No, you don't," Jeonghan simply answered with a bitter smile. "You are drunk."

"You know very well that I'm not." Jeonghan had seen him drunk, and not once had he said this with such sincerity in his tone. Not even when he wrote the genuine words he could never confess to Jeonghan's face, scribbled down on slips of papers that were passed to the fans in the end.

He meant it. He didn't know the hows or the whys. But he did mean it.

Jeonghan remained wordless. Seungcheol was still grasping onto his hands like he was his last straw, before Jeonghan slowly untangled his fingers and let go of him once and for all.

"This never should have happened and you know it," Jeonghan stated in the end, taking a step back. "Okay? Let's pretend this never happened and move on. No hard feelings"

"Jeonghan, just listen to me - "

"I'm going to sleep now. Night, Seungcheol."

Accompanied by quick and heavy footsteps Seungcheol could only watch as Jeonghan left the rooftop without a trace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THERE IT IS!!!!! FINALLY YOU KNOW WHAT RLY WENT DOWN BETWEEN THEM!!!!!!
> 
> can i just say - shout out to everyone who commented really nice things on this fic. it really encouraged me to write more efficiently and honestly if it's not for you guys i might had already given up like two chapters ago. yall are the best and deserve all the goodness in the world. honestly this fandom is so far the only fandom i've been in that didn't make me feel like i was throwing my fic out into the void. im stanning us carats so hard <3


	8. comes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jeonghan never quite understood what it is like to love someone romantically

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love the best friend wingman trope to death don't @ me
> 
> sorry that this chapter took slightly longer to finish; uni and the endless work that comes with it, as always, has gotten in the way of writing. blame my professors lol.
> 
> bgm: rothy - sullae (hide and seek)

Jeonghan never quite understood what it is like to love someone romantically. He had seen it in movies, dramas, he had imagined it to help with writing lyrics for their songs. He had been confessed to so many times in high school that he had lost count. People had named him to be a terrible heartbreaker back in the days, but he often wondered for how many times did he actually break someone's heart. Especially the girls who came to ask him out barely knew him except for what he looked like and what his class was. They always move on. They always find someone else to crush on. To love. He was just a temporal, passing infatuation.

God knew how he wished that Seungcheol's feelings towards him were, too, a passing infatuation. And vice versa.

He wasn't as oblivious as everyone made him out to be; he knew that Seungcheol's gaze sometimes lingered on him for too long. He knew that there was something more implied in Seungcheol's gaze whenever he looked his way. And he had brushed these instances for too long now they were coming back to haunt him like a ghost.

He also knew that he had always felt a little different Seungcheol than other members. For instance, his heart wouldn't experience a clench if he took the hand of anyone else.

But he couldn't put a name to it.

_ Could it be love? _

He remembered the small slip of paper a fan passed to him a few weeks ago.

Yeah, maybe. It could might as well be the case.

He thought that he could avoid facing the paradox even after what had happened in the ski resort, but even when time passed, feelings only become more apparent.

The alarm on his phone by the reading lamp annoyingly went off right before he succeeded to fall asleep again. He rolled over to slam a hand over his phone to shut it off and remained on the bed, determined to stay there until someone came banging on his door and yelling him to go get changed for practice.

 

***

"Hyung, do you want toast?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, thanks."

Junhui placed a piece of toast freshly out of the oven on Jeonghan's plate with a clip. He had been going on a strict yogurt-for-breakfast diet for days now and the flavor was too bland for him to handle. He tore off one side of the crust and dipped it into his coffee.

"Where are the others?" he asked, suddenly realizing that nobody but them were by the kitchen table.

"Soonyoung left with the others to the practice room about thirty minutes ago. Minghao hasn't arrived; his flight is delayed, I think," Junhui replied quickly. 

"Oh."

Junhui was a lot more talkative off-camera. A lot. And Jeonghan knew that for a fact. But even in the comfort of their living room Junhui didn't attempt to continue the casual conversation.

Everyone seemed to be walking around eggshells when it came to Jeonghan these days. Like they were afraid of setting him off. Was it really that obvious that he was troubled?

"Hey, Junhwi." Jeonghan said after swallowing another mouthful of yogurt.

"Hm?"

"You know everything is okay now, right?" Jeonghan cleared his throat. "The Misfetch thing. It's okay now."

Junhui seemed slightly surprised at Jeonghan's question. "Um, I mean, yeah."

"So then - why is everyone avoiding me like the plague?"

He figured that since Junhui was the oldest besides him on the upper floor of their dorm, the other members should have at least expressed some concerns to him during Jeonghan's sulking days. Jeonghan was so used to listening to his members about their daily troubles and mishaps, but whenever he was asked about it, he had rarely given anyone a proper answer.

He didn't want to burden anyone else, after all. So he would just state he was fine.

"We're not avoiding you, hyung, you misunderstood," Junhui told him gently. "We want to give you some space."

"Uh huh. Sure."

"We wouldn't want to bother you when you are already clearly bothered about something."

"Well - I'm not."

At this point he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince Junhui. Junhui merely nodded and shrugged and fixated his eyes on his phone, smearing the third layer of jam on his toast.

"Oh yeah," he added, swallowing all the content in his mug in a single gulp. "Jisoo hyung asked me to tell you to meet him after practice. At 6pm."  


"Jisoo?" Normally Jeonghan would be happy that his friend invited him to hang out, but instead a vague premonition of doubt had risen at the mention of Hong Jisoo.

"Yeah. 6pm. In front of that new barbeque place. The one Wonwoo and Soonyoung went last week, I think."

Jeonghan was slightly puzzled to why Jisoo hadn't texted him instead. And asked Junhui out of all the possible people to be the messenger. For all he knew Junhui wouldn't even remember to tell him about this if he hadn't stayed behind for breakfast, too.

"Oh, okay, thanks,"

"No problem, hyung. Have fun." Junhui was still looking down at his phone, vigorously attacking his virtual enemies.

"I'm gonna go now," Jeonghan announced, standing up and pushing his stool under the counter. "Are you leaving?"

"Not yet, I'm waiting for Myungho. He should be back within an hour."

"Alright. I'll catch you later."

He went back to his single room and pulled out his worn out gym bag, stuffing spare clothes and trousers and whatever his hands could reach, all while trying to ignore the growing pain in the back of his head.

 

***

 

21st December 00:14

 

Jeonghan rushed back into their hotel room and didn't think twice before stepping into the bathroom and locking the door behind him.  
  
He leaned against the door, a sudden rush of helplessness filled his veins and he slid down until he felt the cold, hard marble floor against the cloth of his trousers. 

Seungcheol was never an irrational person. He was well aware how much he was putting on the line when he said those words. Their reputation, their friendship, their team, their company, their members - basically everything in their life would cease to function if either of them dared to walk on the fragile bridge between platonic and romantic love. And Jeonghan knew, too.

But there would always be a prettier face. A better personality. Less negativity. A more honest and easy going demeanor.  
  
There would always be someone else to love, after all. Someone that wasn't supposed to love Choi Seungcheol back. Someone that wasn't Yoon Jeonghan.

And, well, if Seungcheol had decided to burn the bridge, then he must be the first one to put out the fire.

Jeonghan didn't know how much time had passed. His phone had died hours ago and was charging on the nightstand. It could had been a minute, an hour, or a lifetime until he finally heard the door knob being twisted and with a soft creek the door opened. 

Without even realizing what he was doing he gripped unto strands on his hair, so tight that the pain and the heavy feeling in his stomach could almost bring him to tears. He knew Seungcheol was standing in front of the door. He could feel him. He could almost sense Seungcheol's index knuckle against the door but failing to knock, dejected and confused.

_Jeonghan._

Seungcheol was surely mouthing the words but the room remained silent. Jeonghan heard the footsteps leaving to the end of the hallway. He had given up. And Jeonghan didn't know if he should feel happy about it or not.

A minute later he heard the front door opening and closing again. Seungcheol had probably left to the managers' room to take a shower. It was then Jeonghan finally stood up on his sore legs. He looked a mess in the mirror, with bloodshot eyes and lips almost bleeding from the dryness of winter. For a second he had seriously considered that he would rather sleep in the bathtub than to leave the shield provided by one single bathroom door. And it wasn't like they could ask the managers if they could switch rooms. Because then they would ask why. And they would have to admit about their fight. And then they would ask why again. And everything would be ruined.

He took a shower at the speed of lightning and tried to put on his clothes while brushing his teeth simultaneously, something that hadn't happened ever since he missed a flight back home after a concert because he had missed his alarm. Seungcheol was complaining all the way when he was assigned to accompany Jeonghan back home. But he still greeted him by their company car with a can of hot coffee and sandwich from the convenient store, asking with a smirk if he had slept well -

Jeonghan switched off the tab and left the bathroom without looking at the mirror again.

He pulled out the blanket that was tucked into the bedsheets with all his might and practiced how not to suffocate while burying his entire body in it. He had approximately ten minutes to pretend to be asleep before Seungcheol came back. He turned his face to face the wall firmly, almost coming in contact with the surface.

When the front door was opened again Jeonghan curled up in the sheets for a bit. He heard Seungcheol walking slowly past the bathroom, obviously surprised to see it empty, and finally reaching where there beds were.

"Jeonghan?" he called out uncertainty. Of course, Jeonghan didn't say anything.

He heard the bed beside him sinking, presumably from Seungcheol's weight as he laid down.

"Jeonghan, I know you're still awake. So hear me out."

At this point Jeonghan had to hold his breath to keep his heart from jumping out of his throat. He was sweating under the overly-thick blanket and it almost felt like he was being lit on fire.

"If we're still friends in the morning, just - give me a sign, okay?" Seungcheol said quietly. "Just a sign is enough."

 

***

 

_He is planning something_ , Jeonghan thought to himself mid-practice. The more he thought about it, the more Jisoo seemed to be up to something.

He restlessly wiped away the sweat on his forehead after completing the last step, feeling that every single muscle in his bone was screaming at him to sit down. He pulled a plastic chair forward and almost collapsed on it, panting to catch his breath after the intense practice, just enough for every bone in his body to automatically know the movements once the music started to play. 

Jisoo didn't attempt to contact him through any means throughout the day. And everyone left Jeonghan alone in the dance room while their went about their own business. Soonyoung stopped by for just a brief moment to correct his posture and that was about all the human interaction he had in the office that day. Jeonghan was kind of glad to finally have some time to himself. All the practicing had kept mundane matters off his mind, too.

Someone left a bottle of unopened sports drink on the table and he grabbed it without a second thought. He took out his phone. No messages except the ones from his younger sister, who sent him another Misfetch link earlier this morning but he was too tired to check it. 

"You know what? You and Seungcheol oppa actually make a good pair," his sister once commented over the phone after reading the first article, and he couldn't tell if she was joking or not. So then he went along with it.

"How so?"

"I dunno." She paused for a prolonged moment. "Just a hunch."

"You know this is not true, right?"

"Of course I do, I'm not stupid."

"Okay."

"But I'm just saying if it _was_ true - "

"Tell mom I miss her. Bye." He hung up without another word and she hadn't talked about this with him since. He felt bad getting angry at her because of a stupid news company, but ever since that article was posted he felt like any little thing could set him off.

5:14pm. Jeonghan tossed his phone into his bag before leaving the practice room.

 

***

 

After a quick shower and a change of clothes, Jeonghan left the office building looking slightly more refreshed. The wind  was still as ruthless as it could be. Jeonghan felt like he had just been stabbed in the face by the wind when he stepped into the outdoors.

They had since moved away from the city centre. It was a change of mood to all of them. At least they wouldn’t have to risk being squashed to death while crossing the streets in the midst of a metropolitan district. Sometimes Jeonghan would ride a bike to the centre to save time, but he decided he would take the scenic route that day.

He double checked the map on his phone, checking if there was enough time for him to walk to the restaurant where Jisoo would be waiting. Jisoo wasn't a good drinking companion - anything stronger than a pint of beer could make him pass out right there and then. But conveniently Jeonghan felt like a dose of strong, bitter alcohol was the only thing that could make him fall asleep at night.

It him about twenty minutes to get to the street where the restaurant was located. He glanced up occasionally at the shop signs, making sure he wouldn't miss the place as it was his first time there. With another hand firmly stuck in his coat pocket, his outstretched elbow had inevitably bumped into another passby.

"Excuse me - " he apologized. Looking up from his phone he saw another man wearing all black and a cap; he was about to nod at him to return the courtesy.

And it was at that exact moment Jeonghan could finally figure out just what had Jisoo planned for him, because the answer was right ahead of him, staring at him in bewilderment.

Yoon Jeonghan and Choi Seungcheol, in the middle of the busy street, simultaneously gaped at each other in shock and asked, "What are you doing here?"

"Jisoo told Junhwi to tell me to meet him here," Jeonghan cut Seungcheol off and said

"But Jisoo texted me to say he wanted to talk with me. Alone,"  Seungcheol said, still looking thoroughly perplexed.

"Okay, well, where is Jisoo?"

"Wait a sec, let me call him."

Jeonghan waited aside awkwardly while Seungcheol dialled Jisoo's number. He was not mentally prepared to meet Seungcheol at this moment. Not at all. And the suddenness of this encounter had started to get to him in the form of racing heartbeats. Seungcheol frowned and looked at his phone screen, dialling the same number again.

No answer, clearly.

"He's not picking up," Seungcheol concluded, sighing and sliding the phone back into his coat pocket.

"Oh."

"Yeah. So."

"Okay."

Seungcheol tucked at his mask to conceal every last bit of his skin right up to his bottom lashes. Jeonghan cleared his throat loudly.

"So what are we doing here."

"I don't know," Seungcheol admitted.

"Did Jisoo say anything else to you before?"

"No, I swear I have no idea what's going on."

More and more people were shoving past them as they were having a standoff right in the middle of a busy commercial street. After a few moments passed between them, Jeonghan spoke again.

"Have you eaten yet?"

"No. Not yet."

"Good. Because I'm hungry. Let's get in."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi so i made a [bgm mix for this fic on youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zKBrCUX0NqY) please check it out if you want! it contains the track that i put on loop while writing haha  
> kudos comments are again greatly appreciated <3  
> 


	9. true

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the final resolution
> 
> bgm: motte - don’t run away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so so so sorry for the extremely late update. i literally wrote the entire 5k of this fic in five hours so the quality of work might have slipped a lot tbh. Anyway I don’t know how many people are still anticipating for this last update but regardless of everything, this is the final chapter. Hope you enjoy it!

21st December

 

When Jeonghan woke up, Seungcheol was nowhere to be seen.

He used his forearm as support when he sat up, squinting his eyes from the sunlight creeping in through the half-drawn curtains. The single bed beside him was empty. Blankets folded neatly and pillows piled up at the end of the frame. Seungcheol’s phone was still there on the bedside table, though. Which meant at least he couldn’t have left overnight.

He reached over to grab his own phone to text his manager. Just as he was halfway done typing to ask about Seungcheol’s whereabouts he stopped, deleted every word and turned off the screen. He just wished that Seungcheol didn’t attempt to go skiing again with that sprained ankle of his.

It was a little over nine in the morning. Deciding that he was hungry enough to make himself get out of the comfort of his bed, Jeonghan got himself ready to head down for breakfast. The dark circles under his eyes seemed slightly lighter, but no matter how much he slept he still felt tired.

The hallway was empty when he headed outside, the door locked automatically with a ‘click’ behind him. Though there was no one around to ask him an autograph or pose for pictures, he still put on a mask anyway.

The hotel restaurant was located on the ground floor. He took the lift with another two girls. They were completely unsuspecting, chatting amongst themselves quietly without giving much of a second glance to him. Relieved, he took out his phone again to check for new messages, half expecting to see something from Seungcheol.

And there was none.

Jeonghan held the door open for the two girls walk out of the lift on the 1st floor before him. They nodded at him in appreciation. One of the girls took a double take and her eyes widened in surprise.

“Aren’t you a member of Seventeen?” she asked curiously. “Jeonghan, is it?”

Caught off guard by her sudden realisation, Jeonghan could only nod in silence.

“Oh my god, could it be that you guys are doing a show here?”

“Um, we’re not, I’m sorry,” Jeonghan replied. “Thank you for recognising me, though.”

At this point he wasn’t holding down the open button, so the door closed automatically before the girl could question him more. He waved at them as a courtesy and was relieved that he wasn’t trapped in the lift with them. With this messy state of mind, he worried that he would say something wrong or even defamatory.

The lift came to a halt when it reached the ground floor. Jeonghan walked straight ahead with his head, almost bumping into other guests as he made his way to the restaurant without drawing more attention.

Seungcheol was there already. He was sitting by the window, staring out into the snow. It was now snowing for real. Jeonghan worked up his courage and walked up to him, mentally preparing for the tension which built up overnight between them,

“Morning,” Seungcheol said with a smile when he saw Jeonghan, like it was nothing.

This was just unfair, Jeonghan couldn’t help but to think. He spent the past twenty minutes worrying about their reunion and this was all he got? A ‘morning’? Why was he the only one losing composure when clearly it was Seungcheol’s fault that they were in an awkward position like this?

Despite all his dismay, Jeonghan replied softly, “Morning.”

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah. You?”

“Yup.”

“Okay. Cool.”

Jeonghan sat down in front of Seungcheol with his empty plate on the table. The hotel was quite empty; most of the guests had already headed out early to ski for one last time before checking out. It was Christmas, after all. Everyone had places to be, people to meet. Jeonghan couldn’t help but to imagine if he had chosen to visit his family back in his hometown instead. Things would have definitely turn out very differently if he hadn’t acted so impulsively.

“Aren’t you getting anything to eat?” Seungcheol asked.

“I‘m not hungry.”

“At least have some fruits.”

Before Jeonghan could refuse his offer, Seungcheol emptied half of his bowl into Jeonghan’s plate. There were plenty of strawberries; Jeonghan suspected that Seungcheol had saved them on purpose.

“Thanks.”

“Eat up. Hyung said we have to head back before noon.”

“Why?”

“We have a recording session tonight.”

Jeonghan looked down at the strawberries and sighed. The short-lived holiday was cut off so abruptly that he was a bit caught off guard, too. He took a bite; strawberries in winter seasons had always been the best, but it left a rather bitter taste in his mouth.

On the way home from the ski resort they hadn’t really spoken much. Besides when they needed to pick the location for breakfast as requested by their managers.

Jeonghan promised to drive them back to Seoul. So without much compromising he sat at the driver’s seat and stirred the wheel with one hand. While he leaned backwards to back out of their parking spot he carefully avoided looking directly at Seungcheol. The car moved forward in full speed once he had enough space to get it out from the parking lot. Their managers were, as usually, following tightly behind them.

Seungcheol reached forward to turn the radio on. Jeonghan half-hoped that it was one of their own songs so that they could at least have a good laugh about it. But of course it wasn’t - radio stations only ever play what was newest and hottest in town. An ear-tearing blare of EDM beats blasted through the PA system and Jeonghan grimaced at the noise.

“I hate this,” he muttered almost inaudibly. Seungcheol obviously heard so he switched the channel. The next station was playing something softer.

“Better?”

“Thanks.”

They sat through the unbearable silence for a few hours. While Jeonghan fixated his eyes at the roads ahead of them, Seungcheol rested his head against the car window at his side. His arms were folded and Jeonghan could barely see his face through the oversized bomber jacket he was wearing.

“Hey.”

Seungcheol’s voice was hoarse and muffled when he talked. Jeonghan was not certain if it was because of nervousness or tiredness.

“What?”

“Can we talk about _it_?”

“No.”

“Jeonghan - ”

“Didn’t I say that it never happened?” Jeonghan snapped, gripping unto the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were turning white.

Seungcheol brushed his hair backwards in frustration, sitting up straight to face Jeonghan. “You can’t just say it never happened, because it did.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“ _Jeonghan, do you like me?_ ”

As if throwing out the ultimatum, Seungcheol had asked the one question that he didn’t want to answer. Not even to himself. 

When they were strangers Seungcheol knew nothing about his past, and at first he made no effort to know him. But somehow, somehow, sometime, Jeonghan liked the way he talked, the way he laughed, and the way his eyes squinted when he laughed. When they got closer he liked the way Seungcheol cared about him, even without words. He liked how Seungcheol knew about his insecurity and tried to mend it even when they both knew he couldn’t.

At first he thought this passing feeling would eventually disappeared over time, but the situation had just gotten worse. Suddenly he began to dislike Seungcheol talking to other people in the same manner as he does to him. He even started arguments over the most trivial things just to let off that frustration. Even though Seungcheol may be confused as to what exactly he was upset about. But even so, he would comfort him just because they were friends, and he didn’t want to fuel Jeonghan’s negativity even more.

Jeonghan couldn’t look him in the eye and deny because Seungcheol would know he was lying; he was too good at reading him it was aggravating sometimes.

“Yeah, maybe at one point I did, but not anymore. I don’t.”

It was such a cruel thing to say Jeonghan wanted to beat himself up for it. His knew his words were as cold as the falling snow outside. Waiting for the traffic lights to turn green again felt like an eternity had passed. And Seungcheol opened his mouth again.

“So are we still friends? Can we still be friends?”

Were they? Well, it would be even more difficult not to remain friends after the whole ordeal. This wasn’t really a choice, after all. They were colleagues. They had obligations to fulfil. Romance and love and all that bullshit was out of question. It had always been this way, and it would continue to be. Until one day they eventually decide to part ways. By then maybe something would change, but for now - 

“Yeah,” Jeonghan breathed out. “Of course we are.”

 

***

 

About five minutes later they were sitting in front of each other with a platter of raw beef and pork strips in the middle. The restaurant smelt of smoke and alcohol. Not exactly the best place to have a quiet talk.

Jeonghan tried to convince himself that looking at beef strips slowly turning brown on the mini stove was the most fascinating sight ever, so that he wouldn’t have to look up and meet Seungcheol’s eyes.

It really felt like their friendship was coming to an end at some point. And this was what exactly Jeonghan had feared, and what made him so determined to bring his secret to the grave since day one.

It was jus too selfish of Seungcheol that he could break down Jeonghan’s defence once and for all with only three fucking words. All these years of effort. Wasted. Washed down the drain. And now he was back on day one. He was back to being that nineteen year old boy, so uncertain of his future, eyes always following the person he admired but could not manage to get close to. When admiration slowly turned to something else, he didn’t know what to do with it. And it stayed right there for the following five years.

He knew in his heart that this - thing, he didn’t know what to call it yet, would put everything on the line if they had ever tried to cross it. The bridge between them were built by signs of might-or-might-nots that were too fragile to walk on. One step taken wrong could send them tumbling down. Jeonghan thought that, as the selfless leader that he was, that Seungcheol would understand this. Anyone would understand why what they did was the death of them.

Love wasn't something that could build up overnight. It could take days, weeks, even decades for people to fall into the curse of romance. Jeonghan was confident that he loved Seungcheol. Just not in the way that he originally thought he was. He loved him as family, as a brother, a friend. Someone who was there for him. And it was a normal thing to do. 

_It was normal, right? It had to be._

He hated no matter how many years had passed, how many hairstyles and colour they had gone through, how many times they had moved homes and flown overseas and filmed variety shows and cried backstage, Seungcheol was still the same person. He was still the same person he had fallen for five years ago. And god knew how he wished that he had at least changed for the worse so Jeonghan could find an excuse to finally give this up.

“Here,” Seungcheol said. A strip of beef was placed on his plate, half done, just the way he liked it. “Eat while it’s hot.

"Hey," Jeonghan said, still not looking at Seungcheol. He grabbed the hem of his own shirt subconsciously. "Just a question.”

“What?”

“Do you st - do you want something to drink?”

“Oh, uh. Sure.”

Jeonghan picked up the tablet quickly and his face behind it, ordering to bottles of fruit soju. He hated the artificial flavour but it was the only kind they had. Well, better than nothing.

Their other orders arrived one by one and they just kept eating without another word with each other. If Joshua was here at least he could act as the moderator and make some small talks, gossip about rumours they heard at waiting rooms, whatever.

Jeonghan gulped down his drink. The soju was peach flavoured. It was the perfect camouflage for how high the alcohol concentration was. It was a quick way to get drunk easily. But what he needed at the moment wasn’t drunkedness. It was courage.

“Seungcheol.”

“Hm?” Seungcheol rasied his head with a mouthful of food.

“Do you… “ Jeonghan looked away. “Do you still like me?”

“You’re going to be mad at me, though.”

“I won’t. Just tell me.”

“I do,” Seungcheol said in the spur of the moment.

“If things have to be like this, then I might as well quit. To make this easier for us,”

It seemed like the whole restaurant - or the whole world - had quieted down at that exact moment. Jeonghan felt he was going to rip a piece of his shirt from the force he was grabbing unto the fragile fabric.

“Yoon Jeonghan, don’t - you ever dare to fucking talk about quitting.”

Seungcheol’ voice was wavering. Anyone who didn't know him well enough would have overlooked And it wasn't the same kind of exaggerated version of fear that he displayed on variety shows or live broadcast for the world to see and laugh at. For a moment the leader relied upon by twelve others seemed more vulnerable than those he protected.

And this sight scared Jeonghan too.

“Sorry,” he apologised briefly. “I’m sorry. You know I didn’t mean that.”

Seungcheol bit his lower lip. “Even if you really meant it,” he stated quietly.”I would never let you.”

“Well, we don't know what will happen in the future. Maybe we’ll have another fight like this and you would start a petition to kick me out.”

“We’ve had worse fights than this.”

“Yeah, but we could solve other issues, not - not this time. I can’t.” He was never one to run from problems. But this was overwhelmingly unbearable.

“Jeonghan, I don’t understand - why are you being so unreasonable all the time?”

“You can also be so fucking unreasonable sometimes.” Jeonghan finally snapped and stood up, both his hands slamming on the table so hard that strips of meat almost bounced off the barbecue stove. Seungcheol looked at him in shock. Jeonghan was always calm and collected, and kept his feelings to himself. He had rarely ever lashed out on anyone like this. In the five years they had spent with each other Seungcheol had never seen this kind of expression on Jeonghan’s face.

It wasn’t anger that he was trying to convey, and he wasn’t telling his visitor to leave either; it was more like reproach, guilt, may with a dash of shame for being seen in such a vulnerable state.

“I need some air.”

He left with the words still echoing inside the crowded restaurant. Everyone was probably looking at him as he walked out, but he couldn’t care less.

 

***

 

**_Shit_**. Jeonghan thought to himself, as he stepped into the cold, wanting to shove his hands into his pockets but realised they weren’t there.

Becuase he was dumb enough to leave his padded jacket at his seat.

He looked behind him, half expecting Seungcheol to chase after him holding his jacket like some kind of a cliched drama protagonist, hollering the girl’s name while he pushed his way through the crowd. And then there would be a close up shot of both of them bursting into tears (and somehow it wouldn’t ruin their makeup). And the girl would board a train which would leave the station the second the man caught up. And after spending half the episode apart they would miraculously meet at the same station and make up like nothing had happened.

But of course he didn’t. The streets were still filled with complete strangers giving Jeonghan weird looks while he shivered in the cold. Because this wasn’t a fucking drama. Jeonghan breathed out a mist of whiteness and clenched his teeth together tightly to keep them from chattering.

Great. Now he was stranded in the streets without his phone or wallet or jacket and he was at least thirty minutes walk away from the company office.

After a moment of consideration he knew it was either swallowing his pride and going back, or walk to the office to get his spare coat and credit card from the changing room. 

And of course, he chose the latter.

He also had to walk right around the block to avoid walking in front of the restaurant where Seungcheol and other patrons could see him. Luckily he still had his mask on, or he would be more than likely to appear on a news website somewhere, with the article title along the lines of‘ _Seventeen member Yoon Jeonghan (aged 25) throwing a childish fit in public_ ’. As if he needed more unwanted speculations from people who didn’t even know him personally.

The crowd pushing past him was unforgiving and cold. The people here in Seoul weren't the same as Hwaseong; the weather here was not the same, the trees and flowers were not the same. Sometimes he would look up in the sky, expecting to see a thousand stars hanging on the milky way. And instead he was always met with skyscrapers so tall they look like they were about to crush him. Nothing was the same, and five years had done nothing to ease Jeonghan into the life I was supposed to be learning to live a long painful stretch from home. 

But at least he was not lonely. Not when Seungcheol was there with him.

In the approximately two thousand days he had spent with Seungcheol, it was still hard to tell a lot about him, actually. He had also kept a lot to himself. That was what they had common, Jeonghan supposed, the reason he had developed an affinity to him and he had taken it without complaint. They were both a little aloof and maybe, their aloofness was what tied them together, ironically.

His phone rang and he took it out unwillingly with his freezing hands. It was a call from one of the managers, probably wondering why he had been out so late. He picked it up immediately.

“Hello?”

“Jeonghan-ssi, where are you?”

“Sorry - I, uh, headed out to get dinner.”

“Are you with anyone?”

Jeonghan paused for a second. “No.”

“Okay, just come back as soon as possible, yeah? We are leaving at five thirty tomorrow morning.”

“Right.” 

The manager hung up quickly. Jeonghan wasn’t quite sure if he just lied or not. But he couldn’t care less now.

He had walked around the block and started to make his way up the streets again. Another ten minutes passed and he was cold and tired. His legs were sore from practice earlier and the wind was only getting more ruthless as the late night fell. But in the midst of the city lights all he could see was a seemingly stretched and never ending darkness and nothingness.

“ _Found you_.”

The appearance of a more than familiar voice had made him stop his footsteps. In front of him was Choi Seungcheol. Again. After running around in circles like an idiot, it was like they were destined to be stuck in this endless loop.

Jeonghan could only gape at him. ‘How-”

“I knew you would take the next street to walk back to the office for your spare jacket, so I left through the back door and waited here.”

Seungcheol didn’t seem upset anymore. If anything, he proudness was written all over his face for figuring Jeonghan out so easily.

Jeonghan huffed. “Smart, aren’t you.”

“Thanks, but I’m not smart. I just know you enough.”

Seungcheol handed his jacket to him and Jeonghan put it on as quickly as possible. It still smelled like the smoke from the barbecue smoke. Jeonghan wasn’t quite sure what he ought to say after leaving someone in a restaurant in a fit of anger like that, so he only muttered under his breath, “Thank you.”

“It’s fine.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Seungcheol said again.

Jeonghan felt his cheeks starting to burn from embarrassment, ashamed of how easily Seungcheol had forgiven him. He hated to give Seungcheol such a hard time over such a dumb and trivial subject.

“I’ll treat you to dinner tomorrow,” he offered.

“There’s no need to,” Seungcheol simply replied. “Jeonghan, let’s go to Hangang Park.”

“…What? Why?” Jeonghan questioned. “It’s almost nine.”

“I don’t care. Come on.”

Without leaving much space for protest, Seungcheol grabbed his arm and walked down the street, dragging Jeonghan behind him.

 

***

 

Jeonghan sometimes dreamed of the days when they hadn’t debuted yet. Those weren’t dreams, perhaps, more of some kind of suppressed memories. Those days were bittersweet and he wouldn’t trade them for anything else, but he had rather not remember some of it.

He remembered the day he and Seungcheol first sat at Hangang they barely knew each other at all. He had only joined the rest of the trainee for around three weeks and they didn’t really have the time and energy to bond despite being roommates.

“Hey,” one day he said, kneeling down to where Jeonghan was sitting in the corner of their practice room. “I’m going to the convenient store.”

“Oh, okay,”

Seungcheol rambled on about their choreography, and something along the lines of how he could kill for some chips right now. Jeonghan was taken aback by the fact that Seungcheol chose to approach him out of everyone (whom he had known way better), and couldn’t hear what he was saying.

“Anyway, would you like to go with me?”

Somehow Jeonghan knew that he was going to end up with a simple yes or no question, and a ‘yes’ escaped his mouth without hesitation.

They weren’t supposed to be eating food outside of their regular meals; acnes, weight gain, puffy cheeks, they were all examination criteria to look at whenever someone of authority checked up on them (which was rare and irregular for most times). Jeonghan was surprised that Seungcheol would even bring such a thing up, especially when he was the eldest among everyone. He thought he was as strict about rules as the CEO.

They couldn’t return to the dorm in case someone caught them snacking during break, so they just sat at Hangang on the way back, clearing out the two bags of chips and chocolate they had gotten from the nearby convenience store. Jeonghan was never big on snacks, but even he missed how junk food tasted like after weeks of deprivation. For the first time since he had left Hwaseong he found the city air breathable. To an extent, at least.

Seungcheol hadn’t attempted to strike up another conversation when they sat and ate quietly. He seemed lost in his thoughts. Troubled in some way. Jeonghan snuck a few glances in between bites, carefully maintaining the half-meter distance between them and wondering if this was appropriate.

“Hey.”

Seungcheol, perhaps still too embarrassed to address him by his name, called out to him again. Jeonghan turned his head and found Seungcheol staring into the distance of the river.

“How do you find it here so far?”

“Uh…”

Jeonghan wasn’t quite sure if he should be polite or be honest. He knew that Seungcheol was admired by most, being the eldest and taking on the leadership role and all that when nobody else was supervising. Maybe this was a routine interview, maybe even a task assigned by the CEO to weed out the weak.

“Don’t worry,” Seungcheol added. “Just tell me what you think.”

Jeonghan looked down at the empty bags of chips and said. “ _I’m scared_.”

Back then, he was scared for a number of reasons. He gave up college education to come to the heart of Seoul, only to find out how harsh and repressive it was. He was scared that this would be his dead end. And at that time he didn’t have any backup plans.

And five years later, he had much more new fears than before.

They had arrived at the same spot as they sat when they were both only nineteen, with big dreams but little means of control over their lives.

“Jeonghan, if you have anything to say, which I know you do, say it now.”

“What, is this some sort of a threat?”

“I don’t like it when you’re bothered.”

Jeonghan’s eyes finally met Seungcheol’s. Jeonghan hadn’t seen them properly for what felt like lifetimes, and he was sure he had never, ever seen them look so - unguarded.

“Seungcheol - ”

The unfounded courage that had forced the words out of Jeonghan’s system came to him as a surprise, too.

_Maybe I have one more thing to tell you. Just one._

Under the illumination of the yellow streetlight, Seungcheol raised his head and asked. “What's the matter?”

“Seungcheol, I’m scared.” Jeonghan closed his eyes and admitted.

“Scared of _what_?”

“You won’t understand.”

“Maybe if you said what you thought out loud once in a while, I would.”

Stars were shining brightly above them in the winter night. Seungcheol looked up at the starry sky and breathed deeply. Without any hesitation in his tone, he continued, ”I've known that since a long time ago. "

“No, you don’t.”

“Maybe I even know things I shouldn't have known.”

“Like what?”

“Like the fact that you have liked me, even before I started to like you.”

Jeonghan glanced upwards and saw Seungcheol smiling back at him, as if thinking of a fond memory.

“And I know you are scared because you don’t think this could last,” he continued without missing a beat. “You’re scared that this would turn into something more, so you ran away from me. Twice.”

“You sure think a lot of yourself,” Jeonghan teased.

“I’m not wrong though, am I?”

“No, you’re not, and I hate it.”

Seungcheol laughed again. It sounded different in the open air.

“Jeonghan,” he said. “Do you like me?”

There was no way of knowing if this revelation was a good one or bad one. Like there was no way of telling whether it was luck or misfortune to have fallen in love with him. But finding these answers would be meaningless. They were here. Together. Under the same roof. Just knowing that was enough for now. Maybe someday they walk on different paths leading to other expeditions. It could be ten years from now, five years, or even tomorrow.

But there was only one thing Jeonghan was certain at that moment. He would never run away again until that moment had arrived.

Making sure they were absolutely alone, Jeonghan quickly grabbed Seungcheol’ shirt collar, pulling him into a kiss as light as the one they shared two months ago. He could feel Seungcheol tense up, frozen even after Jeonghan had let go of him, chuckling at the look on his face.

How he wished he could snap a picture of Seungcheol’s face burning in crimson right there and then. Maybe Misfetch would be willing to buy it off him at a decent price.

“Yoon Jeonghan, you’re such a - cheat. You know that?” Seungcheol managed to say after recovering from the shock.

“Yeah. I get that a lot.” Jeonghan said to him indifferently, unable to hold his laugh.

Seungcheol was laughing with him. And Jeonghan realised that maybe nothing had changed at all. He felt stupid for everything that he had done to preserve what they had. 

Maybe things will be fine, after all.

“Lets go home,” Seungcheol said, with his hand outstretched. If there was a Misfetch reporter behind them right now it would had been the perfect time to snap a photo, but that was the last thing that was on his mind. “Or not. I don’t care. We can go anywhere.”

A gust of wind blew through the branches of the trees lining up in a perfect straight line along the river, white petals from the early spring danced along with the wind. Jeonghan caught one that landed right on top of his nose, and smiled to himself.

Seungcheol’s hand were ice cold, but Jeonghan reckoned he would probably never let it go for the rest of his life.

 

***

 

**_BREAKING: SEVENTEEN’S S.COUPS AND JEONGHAN REPORTEDLY IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AFTER DATING SPECULATIONS RESURFACED_ **

_Pledis Ent. has released another official statement earlier today, revoking their previous statement in the midst of the dating scandal between Seventeen’s leader S. Coups (Choi Seungcheol) and member Yoon Jeonghan. The statement has confirmed that though the couple was not officially dating when the speculation first surfaced, another photo captured on 24th Feb, 2019 at 10:30pm at Hangang Park had proven the two to have established a relationship since then. The quick response from the agency had prevented rumours to blow out of proportion._

_When Seventeen as a group was interviewed in a music show event earlier this day, leader S. Coups and Jeonghan had not directly responded to any questions regarding their alleged relationship. Whilst the statement has also urged the public not to pry into the couple’s privacy, it did not stop the media, fans and public from expressing their opinions on the matter. However, when asked about how the relationship would affect the future of the group, S. Coups responded promptly with, “Nothing will change because of this. We will always be Seventeen no matter what happens.” Jeonghan had remained silent throughout the interview._

_Other Seventeen members, too, had not responded to related questions when asked about their opinions of inter-group dating. However, the group’s variety rising star Seungkwan said in a joking manner, “We have always known, probably since 2014.”_

_Seventeen’s fans are discouraging the display of any intruding behaviour and comments. Despite receiving tremendous support from fans, backlash and criticism from the general public is inevitable. But Seventeen seemed unfazed by the new attention they have received surrounding the topic. It has been rumoured that several variety shows have reached out to the group for more in-dept interview sessions._

_3rd March, 2019._

_Misfetch_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it is! God it sure took me a lot of time to finally post this chapter. I had a massive writer’s block after lunar new year due to large amount of college work. I didn’t want to end this fic with a rushed chapter so i took my sweet sweet time lol. Again huge thanks to those who stuck around till the end. Please do leave a comment (if you’d like) and tell me what you think about the fic. I appreciate every single comment and it really helps me improve my writing which is essential for my academic career. Hope you enjoyed the story <3

**Author's Note:**

> im just writing this for fun and to ease my pressure of attending uni. it's always nice to write something that is non-academic related. again, this story has nothing to do with real life events and companies. follow me on tumblr @jeonghan-only


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